in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
