Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
