So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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