The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
