My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
