everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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