I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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