I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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