i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I AM VODKA MAN
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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