My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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