You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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