Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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