She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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