My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
