I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
