I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
