I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
