God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
