I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
