in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
