yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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