He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
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I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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