...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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