How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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