i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
