Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
