Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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