the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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