I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
