hell yes lets make some ravioli
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
