Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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