Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
