1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
