at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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