I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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