My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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