as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
