I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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