Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
