I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
