1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need a beard to bite.
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