if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
