You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
