Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
