My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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