The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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