im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
