doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My bed smells like the plague
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
