dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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