just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
