I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
