I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
