To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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