The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
