Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
