Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
