Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
