this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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