I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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