I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
