i think my mom watched the whole time
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
