he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
